Even more troubling than my own inner conflict on whether to attend tomorrow's PRIDE event in Belgrade, as of today the event was cancelled b/c of the extreme threat of violence and the fact that not even the police could guarantee the saftey of the participants.
It is a sad fucked-up thing that the Serbian government and general population would rather allow a few right wing extremists dictate the direction of the entire nation.
Everyone...every individual is responsible for creating the community and world they want to live in.
Yes...I was scared to participate, but I thought it was such an important moment. A moment so much larger than a commentary on gay rights. A moment where Serbian people had a chance to stand up and say that they wanted to live in a world with more possibilities...a world with a broader future. A world where civil discourse and debate creates civil society, not half-wit football hooligans and criminals with baseball bats and alcohol infused group-mentality machismo. Instead it seems that he who hath the bigger gun has won.
Here are a few articles about the opposition to the PRIDE.
http://sofiaecho.com/2009/09/17/786427_belgrade-pride-parade-is-sodom-and-gomorrah-says-serbian-orthodox-church
http://www.bleedingcool.com/2009/09/18/belgrades-pride-in-its-superheroes-here-they-come-to-save-the-gay/
http://www.b92.net/eng/news/politics-article.php?yyyy=2009&mm=09&dd=19&nav_id=61848
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
PRIDE vs. "Nerf Life"... "Sittin' on your biscuit, never havin' to risk it": My quest to do the right thing...
Ugh! I have a consuming dilemma. So consuming that I have had a constant nagging headache for 3 days and I can’t sleep and every moment I am still I am ruminating. I am not sure I have ever felt so morally conflicted!
So Sunday is the Pride parade here in Belgrade. Now I have been an active gay rights activist in the USA for nearly 20 years, so on the surface it is a “no brainer” right? But here’s where it gets complicated…
The last time they tried to hold a Pride event in Belgrade it became horribly violent with the right-wing nut-jobs beating the demonstrators with bats, etc. Many ended up in the hospital and one nearly died. Fast forward to now…one would think from our own lifetime of experience that cultures progress, but that does not seem to be the reality of things in the world today.
Even in Budapest, where on several occasions in the last 10 years I have attended and enjoyed fun and festive Pride parades, this year’s event was marred by violence and several people I know personally were beaten bad enough to be put in the hospital.
But that is there…as far from me in Belgrade as Chicago is from New York.
OK, but much if not all of Europe (and maybe the world) seems to have an increasingly loud and violent far-right neo-Nazi-esque movement. And honestly, Serbia is the rule rather than the exception…I would even argue the “trend setters” in this capacity.
Here you have a country dripping with machismo, which a largely snickers at if not glorifies organized crime, where residual post-war travel restrictions in conjunction with post-war poverty have made it nearly impossible for Serbs to travel. Add to that a strange mytho-historical dominant discourse that is propagated unchallenged from kindergarten through adulthood and reinforced in media an pop-culture and as a result you have younger generations who seem increasingly myopic and small-minded.
People are getting ever more religious, girls are getting pregnant younger, young people are not finishing school, etc. All of these factors make for a certain population of angry, despondent, hopeless, uneducated youth who, while not truly ideological, are happy to unleash their anger on whatever they are pointed toward.
Now within this mish-mash you have a loud and prevalent national attitude toward homosexuality that at best views gay-ness as an illness and at worst a sub-human perversity against nature which should be wiped off the planet. All of this makes for a pretty scary and aggressive right-wing movement – to say the least. One that makes O’Reilly and Glen Beck look like banal toothless kittens, Ann Coulter & Sarah Palin look like Mrs. Brady and Mrs. Clever, and Dick Cheney look like a doddering old fool!
So….like I said, I have actively worked for gay rights in the USA since I was like 17 or 18. Naturally it would make sense that I would support the Pride activities here in Belgrade. After all most people I know who are progressively minded are participating, and the cause is something I totally believe in. And quite honestly, most people here, even if they believe homosexuality to be a sin or an illness, they still do not want to kill gay people. But the problem is that loud, vocal and violent minority – which is not actually a small number!
As the Pride events draw closer, these groups have organized an equally public campaign for a counter-protest and have openly promised to be violent and aggressive toward both the Pride demonstrators and the police. I have heard promises of baseball bats, oranges stuffed with razor blades, gang rape, tear gas and other unspeakable horrors. They are advertising in the newspapers, on the internet and through graffiti in the streets.
Now, the president here has promised thousands of police and most politicians, even if not in open support of the GLBT community, have voiced support of their right to demonstrate. Further, a large community of artists, journalists, actors and other public personalities have been very public and open about their support.
Still, this violent opposition seems very well organized, and who knows what the police will actually do when it comes down to it.
Will they protect the GLBT supportive demonstrators? Will they use live ammunition if necessary? (In that case I can only think of Kent State in the 60s – who knows who will get hit). Will they step aside and let the right wingers attack?
At the same time, how can I even question my participation? I mean it is easy to sit home in the USA and state that I support (or don’t support) something when the worst I can expect is some harshly wounding words. But when it really counts, when it really matters, when there is a real risk, shouldn’t it be more important to stand up for my beliefs? Shouldn’t it be more important to turn-out when there is a real threat to the values I hold dear – people’s right to live free from the physical fear of violent death? It is reminiscent of the US Civil Rights Movement when people really took their lives into their hands to advocate for justice and equality. And if it wasn’t for those people, just imagine what our country would look like now.
Still there is the argument that this is not actually my country. And then there is the fact that I actually need my full brain for my living. And honestly I am really scared…maybe more scared than I have ever been. I can’t sleep. My head aches for 3 days now…like a mouse is in my skull eating away at my brain. My conscience tells me that to demonstrate is the right thing. It is a human rights issue. It is dear to my heart. And quite honestly, with no kids and no husband, I am actually exactly the person who should be out there. But the fear is like nothing I have ever felt.
I also believe that each individual is responsible for creating the society that s/he wants to live in…that we are all responsible for what our communities and by extension our world looks like. You can pick up your feet and go with the current, but then you are really just a cog in the machine. A leaf on the wind. If not you, then who? If not now, then when?
ARGH! I am so conflicted! I keep going back and forth between deciding that I am going no matter what and hoping I come down with a horrible fever. This may seriously be the most conflicted I have ever felt. I know what the right thing to do is, but I am selfishly afraid to do it. Afraid to risk my one stupid precious self for the greater good. A braver person would not be in conflict! A braver person would be able to commit to the fact that no individual is greater than the collective good.
You know, I talk to my students about this a lot. Each of us imagines that we would have been the one to have saved our Jewish neighbor during the Holocaust. Or that we would be the one to have stood up against Apartheid in South Africa. In fact, if you are American and you are old enough, you may have even taken part in anti-Apartheid actions in the USA. Oh how easy and black-and-white things seem from far away. From far away the RIGHT and WRONG choices are so easy to see, and we all imagine that we would have been able to see it, and would easily have been strong enough to do the right thing.
Well…sorry to burst your bubble, but the truth is, 99% of us would not have stood up and risked ourselves to save the Jewish neighbor. Genocide is not made possible by the tiny percentage of people who actually engage in violence - it is made possible by the majority of people who look the other way...the bystanders who are too afraid or too selfish to or too stupid to think for themselves!
And while for most of us, the betrayal of our Jewish neighbor would have been simply self preservation, many would even have bought into Nazi ideology to rationalize their ugly choice! (We would have bought into the argument that Sadaam had Weapons of Mass Destruction for example, and that our government always has our best interest in mind).
I mean think of the Stanley Milgram experiments people! (If you don't know about it...look it up!) I think like only one person refused…and he was a Dutch guy that learned certain lessons from WWII.
Seriously…our self-preservation mechanism is sooo strong! Ever tried to wax your own bikini area or pluck out your nose hairs? Some people can do it no problem. Most…well after the first few strips their arms will no longer obey their brain…they just cannot inflict any more pain on themselves.
So at this point my thinking is that I am going to go to the demonstration…but I am going to wear running shoes! I wish I had a helmet and pepper spray, but I don’t. I want to bring a sock full of rocks to swing just in case or a mini-hair-spray with a lighter to fashion a blow-torch, but since I am going as part of an anti-militarist peace organization, I am not sure that would go over very well.
But here’s the naked truth…it is Friday night and I cannot guarantee that I won’t change my mind by Sunday morning. I also cannot guarantee that I won’t pee my pants and run away in fear once I get there.
On the other hand…they cannot possibly beat all of us down, and how can I pursue the things I care about and write about if I am not willing to live it – to live what I believe. How can I live a “nerf life” just “sittin’ on your biscuit, never having to risk it” and still advocate for larger global social justice if I am not willing to put myself out there for something I believe in?
Why should I be safe and fat and happy and live in my little McDonalds/Walmart bubble while others are suffering just b/c I had the fortune of being born in a certain place? Why should my life and safety (or any one person’s life or safety) matter more than anyone else’s? “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few…or the one”… right? “No one is free until all are free”…right? It may not be my country, but we are all human and I am living here…I am alive here…and I owe a debt to my principles if not to my host nation, right?
So that is the dilemma – risk my biscuit for what I believe in and perhaps get hurt…or stay safe at home and hate myself for being weak…for basically being the person who turned my Jewish neighbor over to the Nazis.
What would you do?
So Sunday is the Pride parade here in Belgrade. Now I have been an active gay rights activist in the USA for nearly 20 years, so on the surface it is a “no brainer” right? But here’s where it gets complicated…
The last time they tried to hold a Pride event in Belgrade it became horribly violent with the right-wing nut-jobs beating the demonstrators with bats, etc. Many ended up in the hospital and one nearly died. Fast forward to now…one would think from our own lifetime of experience that cultures progress, but that does not seem to be the reality of things in the world today.
Even in Budapest, where on several occasions in the last 10 years I have attended and enjoyed fun and festive Pride parades, this year’s event was marred by violence and several people I know personally were beaten bad enough to be put in the hospital.
But that is there…as far from me in Belgrade as Chicago is from New York.
OK, but much if not all of Europe (and maybe the world) seems to have an increasingly loud and violent far-right neo-Nazi-esque movement. And honestly, Serbia is the rule rather than the exception…I would even argue the “trend setters” in this capacity.
Here you have a country dripping with machismo, which a largely snickers at if not glorifies organized crime, where residual post-war travel restrictions in conjunction with post-war poverty have made it nearly impossible for Serbs to travel. Add to that a strange mytho-historical dominant discourse that is propagated unchallenged from kindergarten through adulthood and reinforced in media an pop-culture and as a result you have younger generations who seem increasingly myopic and small-minded.
People are getting ever more religious, girls are getting pregnant younger, young people are not finishing school, etc. All of these factors make for a certain population of angry, despondent, hopeless, uneducated youth who, while not truly ideological, are happy to unleash their anger on whatever they are pointed toward.
Now within this mish-mash you have a loud and prevalent national attitude toward homosexuality that at best views gay-ness as an illness and at worst a sub-human perversity against nature which should be wiped off the planet. All of this makes for a pretty scary and aggressive right-wing movement – to say the least. One that makes O’Reilly and Glen Beck look like banal toothless kittens, Ann Coulter & Sarah Palin look like Mrs. Brady and Mrs. Clever, and Dick Cheney look like a doddering old fool!
So….like I said, I have actively worked for gay rights in the USA since I was like 17 or 18. Naturally it would make sense that I would support the Pride activities here in Belgrade. After all most people I know who are progressively minded are participating, and the cause is something I totally believe in. And quite honestly, most people here, even if they believe homosexuality to be a sin or an illness, they still do not want to kill gay people. But the problem is that loud, vocal and violent minority – which is not actually a small number!
As the Pride events draw closer, these groups have organized an equally public campaign for a counter-protest and have openly promised to be violent and aggressive toward both the Pride demonstrators and the police. I have heard promises of baseball bats, oranges stuffed with razor blades, gang rape, tear gas and other unspeakable horrors. They are advertising in the newspapers, on the internet and through graffiti in the streets.
Now, the president here has promised thousands of police and most politicians, even if not in open support of the GLBT community, have voiced support of their right to demonstrate. Further, a large community of artists, journalists, actors and other public personalities have been very public and open about their support.
Still, this violent opposition seems very well organized, and who knows what the police will actually do when it comes down to it.
Will they protect the GLBT supportive demonstrators? Will they use live ammunition if necessary? (In that case I can only think of Kent State in the 60s – who knows who will get hit). Will they step aside and let the right wingers attack?
At the same time, how can I even question my participation? I mean it is easy to sit home in the USA and state that I support (or don’t support) something when the worst I can expect is some harshly wounding words. But when it really counts, when it really matters, when there is a real risk, shouldn’t it be more important to stand up for my beliefs? Shouldn’t it be more important to turn-out when there is a real threat to the values I hold dear – people’s right to live free from the physical fear of violent death? It is reminiscent of the US Civil Rights Movement when people really took their lives into their hands to advocate for justice and equality. And if it wasn’t for those people, just imagine what our country would look like now.
Still there is the argument that this is not actually my country. And then there is the fact that I actually need my full brain for my living. And honestly I am really scared…maybe more scared than I have ever been. I can’t sleep. My head aches for 3 days now…like a mouse is in my skull eating away at my brain. My conscience tells me that to demonstrate is the right thing. It is a human rights issue. It is dear to my heart. And quite honestly, with no kids and no husband, I am actually exactly the person who should be out there. But the fear is like nothing I have ever felt.
I also believe that each individual is responsible for creating the society that s/he wants to live in…that we are all responsible for what our communities and by extension our world looks like. You can pick up your feet and go with the current, but then you are really just a cog in the machine. A leaf on the wind. If not you, then who? If not now, then when?
ARGH! I am so conflicted! I keep going back and forth between deciding that I am going no matter what and hoping I come down with a horrible fever. This may seriously be the most conflicted I have ever felt. I know what the right thing to do is, but I am selfishly afraid to do it. Afraid to risk my one stupid precious self for the greater good. A braver person would not be in conflict! A braver person would be able to commit to the fact that no individual is greater than the collective good.
You know, I talk to my students about this a lot. Each of us imagines that we would have been the one to have saved our Jewish neighbor during the Holocaust. Or that we would be the one to have stood up against Apartheid in South Africa. In fact, if you are American and you are old enough, you may have even taken part in anti-Apartheid actions in the USA. Oh how easy and black-and-white things seem from far away. From far away the RIGHT and WRONG choices are so easy to see, and we all imagine that we would have been able to see it, and would easily have been strong enough to do the right thing.
Well…sorry to burst your bubble, but the truth is, 99% of us would not have stood up and risked ourselves to save the Jewish neighbor. Genocide is not made possible by the tiny percentage of people who actually engage in violence - it is made possible by the majority of people who look the other way...the bystanders who are too afraid or too selfish to or too stupid to think for themselves!
And while for most of us, the betrayal of our Jewish neighbor would have been simply self preservation, many would even have bought into Nazi ideology to rationalize their ugly choice! (We would have bought into the argument that Sadaam had Weapons of Mass Destruction for example, and that our government always has our best interest in mind).
I mean think of the Stanley Milgram experiments people! (If you don't know about it...look it up!) I think like only one person refused…and he was a Dutch guy that learned certain lessons from WWII.
Seriously…our self-preservation mechanism is sooo strong! Ever tried to wax your own bikini area or pluck out your nose hairs? Some people can do it no problem. Most…well after the first few strips their arms will no longer obey their brain…they just cannot inflict any more pain on themselves.
So at this point my thinking is that I am going to go to the demonstration…but I am going to wear running shoes! I wish I had a helmet and pepper spray, but I don’t. I want to bring a sock full of rocks to swing just in case or a mini-hair-spray with a lighter to fashion a blow-torch, but since I am going as part of an anti-militarist peace organization, I am not sure that would go over very well.
But here’s the naked truth…it is Friday night and I cannot guarantee that I won’t change my mind by Sunday morning. I also cannot guarantee that I won’t pee my pants and run away in fear once I get there.
On the other hand…they cannot possibly beat all of us down, and how can I pursue the things I care about and write about if I am not willing to live it – to live what I believe. How can I live a “nerf life” just “sittin’ on your biscuit, never having to risk it” and still advocate for larger global social justice if I am not willing to put myself out there for something I believe in?
Why should I be safe and fat and happy and live in my little McDonalds/Walmart bubble while others are suffering just b/c I had the fortune of being born in a certain place? Why should my life and safety (or any one person’s life or safety) matter more than anyone else’s? “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few…or the one”… right? “No one is free until all are free”…right? It may not be my country, but we are all human and I am living here…I am alive here…and I owe a debt to my principles if not to my host nation, right?
So that is the dilemma – risk my biscuit for what I believe in and perhaps get hurt…or stay safe at home and hate myself for being weak…for basically being the person who turned my Jewish neighbor over to the Nazis.
What would you do?
Monday, August 31, 2009
Back in Serbia...
So…this is it! I have arrived back in Serbia and am here until late December. While here I will teach a graduate course in American Studies (on the Civil Rights Movement), will teach in the Women’s Studies Center and will continue my work with WiB. I will also work on the book.
Then, I go back to the US for Spring semester. Teach at my university there in NJ for the term. And plan to then return to Serbia for the 15th anniversary of the Srebrenica massacre – so I hope to be here from mid-May through mid-July. Then I will feel like I have really completed what I started here.
After that – I will come back to USA, teach in NJ for another year and then take stock again. Will I stay at this job? Will I apply for another academic job in a place I’d rather live? Or will I try to get a job with the UN or some other international organization? It all remains to be seen!
But for the short-term – well, I finally went to the north of Serbia, in the province of Vojvodina to visit the family of my landlords in a small town called Crvenka (pop. 10,000). I had been invited since I first got here in January, but had been putting it off b/c I thought I had too much to do here in Belgrade. Well, the truth is that this trip was the best thing that has happened to me in a long time!
They are a perfectly wonderful family first of all! After the first day I felt completely at home! The husband and wife are in their late 40s and their son in a teenager – about to start university in fall. Mostly we hung out at their place, out on their porch, and all the day long friends would stop by for a coffee and a chat. It was so cozy and warm and wonderful! It was great to have healthy home cooked meals. It was great to hang out and debate politics and ideas. It was a great chance to practice my language as many of their friends do not speak English. And I felt so welcomed that when I left I actually felt sad and missed them!
Their home is modest, but full of warmth. In their backyard are tons of fruit trees so there is always fresh peaches, pears and plums on the table (and he uses the rest to make rakia – the local liquor). Then, as neighbors stop by, they all bring other things from their gardens! Wonderful!
When I first arrived I planned to stay only 3 days, but I ended up staying 5 days, partly b/c they were having a BBQ for me on day 4. It was so awesome! Such fresh meat and veggies and so many wonderful people.
The whole experience reminded me that I really love living in a place with community. I prefer smaller towns to big cities and I love being able to walk everywhere and to know so many people in your community.
They are coming here at the end of this week, and I am having them over to dinner for my b-day. I might then go back to Crvenka with them for a few days…we’ll see.
Then, next weekend, I am going to Istanbul! I have never been before. I am excited! Going with my old friend “A” and we are staying with another friend of hers from university. Woo-Hoo!
OK…that is all I can manage to write today. I have made many posts today…all in the interest of catching up and I can hardly think now. Hope to keep up blog better now that I am back again in Serbia.
Thanks for reading…
Xina
Then, I go back to the US for Spring semester. Teach at my university there in NJ for the term. And plan to then return to Serbia for the 15th anniversary of the Srebrenica massacre – so I hope to be here from mid-May through mid-July. Then I will feel like I have really completed what I started here.
After that – I will come back to USA, teach in NJ for another year and then take stock again. Will I stay at this job? Will I apply for another academic job in a place I’d rather live? Or will I try to get a job with the UN or some other international organization? It all remains to be seen!
But for the short-term – well, I finally went to the north of Serbia, in the province of Vojvodina to visit the family of my landlords in a small town called Crvenka (pop. 10,000). I had been invited since I first got here in January, but had been putting it off b/c I thought I had too much to do here in Belgrade. Well, the truth is that this trip was the best thing that has happened to me in a long time!
They are a perfectly wonderful family first of all! After the first day I felt completely at home! The husband and wife are in their late 40s and their son in a teenager – about to start university in fall. Mostly we hung out at their place, out on their porch, and all the day long friends would stop by for a coffee and a chat. It was so cozy and warm and wonderful! It was great to have healthy home cooked meals. It was great to hang out and debate politics and ideas. It was a great chance to practice my language as many of their friends do not speak English. And I felt so welcomed that when I left I actually felt sad and missed them!
Their home is modest, but full of warmth. In their backyard are tons of fruit trees so there is always fresh peaches, pears and plums on the table (and he uses the rest to make rakia – the local liquor). Then, as neighbors stop by, they all bring other things from their gardens! Wonderful!
When I first arrived I planned to stay only 3 days, but I ended up staying 5 days, partly b/c they were having a BBQ for me on day 4. It was so awesome! Such fresh meat and veggies and so many wonderful people.
The whole experience reminded me that I really love living in a place with community. I prefer smaller towns to big cities and I love being able to walk everywhere and to know so many people in your community.
They are coming here at the end of this week, and I am having them over to dinner for my b-day. I might then go back to Crvenka with them for a few days…we’ll see.
Then, next weekend, I am going to Istanbul! I have never been before. I am excited! Going with my old friend “A” and we are staying with another friend of hers from university. Woo-Hoo!
OK…that is all I can manage to write today. I have made many posts today…all in the interest of catching up and I can hardly think now. Hope to keep up blog better now that I am back again in Serbia.
Thanks for reading…
Xina
taking stock as my next birthday approaches...
So living a somewhat multi-national life has made me feel like I am in the show “Quantum Leap.” I jump from one existence to the next at a moment’s notice and feel disoriented and imbalanced for the first little bit! But all of this has given me some time to think about some things…
So I am turning 36 next week. YUCK! It is hard to even write it down! What does it mean? How do I measure up? What do I still want to do? Just generally taking stock.
I have realized that there are a lot of things about my life that I am very happy about. I have really great friends all over the world! I have a career that I love and that I am truly passionate about. I am an independent thinker who may be financially solvent for the first time ever! I have travelled to many places in the US and abroad. Basically, when I look back over my life I have to say that I have largely done what I have wanted when I have wanted.
Now this does not mean I have been able to do everything I want – often I have been faced with choices and taking one path means abandoning the other. But it does mean that largely I have made this life my own – sometimes inside and sometimes outside the boundaries of societal expectations. And while this has also meant that I have made many mistakes in my life, I think that I am not one of those “old soul” people who are inherently wise and make well-considered choices. I am impulsive and have often had to learn things the hard way! This also means I am tenacious, and rarely hear the word “NO” as a definitive roadblock. I embrace challenges and look for solutions. I speak my mind and am not afraid to argue a point. I stick up for people who may be “weak” when I see they are in unfair situations. I am generally adventurous and adaptable.
All things I am happy with.
Now…as I take stock of my 36 years, there are also things that I am not so happy with. I find it hard to say “no” to people, or to hurt people’s feelings so I often practice avoidance. I am easily influenced to indulge my proclivities (drinking, smoking, eating crap, skipping exercise). I am overly critical of myself and sometimes of others. I often think emotionally rather than rationally. I let other people’s opinions sway my decisions too much. I am not always as sensitive to others as I should be, and am a bit self-centered.
And as I look at my turning 36 I realize that there are some things I still want out of life and some things I want to work to change in the coming year…
1st – I think it would be great to be able to buy a house or a condo! (I think this will happen either in a year or so if I decide to stay at my current job or will happen whenever/wherever I take my next job)
2nd – I would really like to get a dog – and I think I want a foxy little Pomeranian! (will happen when I get a house)
3rd – I vow to get back in shape! This is not such a far fetched task. It was only 3 years ago that I was actually quite fit and healthy. So really I just need to get back in control of my exercise and eating habits. (already starting now! Began vegan detox diet and daily exercise. This is Phase 1. Really trying to stick with it. I hate feeling unhealthy and flabby! But they say “muscle never forgets” so I am hoping that some healthy eating and exercise now and then some concentrated gym time when I get back to USA should get me where I need to be by next summer!)
4th – I want to live somewhere that I really WANT to live! I have put this off over and over again. If I stay at my current job, I think I need to move to Phillie – I need human contact and community! Otherwise, if I seek a different job, I WILL live somewhere I really want to live – either somewhere warm, somewhere in Europe OR at least somewhere with a sense of community.
5th – When I get back to the US, I want to make all the numerous doctor appointments I have been putting off – allergist, dermatologist, and therapist! Especially therapist. I think a few months of therapy could be a good thing for any adult.
SO I guess this is all rambling, but I feel like if I write it down I am somewhat committed to it. Self improvement! Being a better ME.
Thanks for reading.
Until next time…
Xina
So I am turning 36 next week. YUCK! It is hard to even write it down! What does it mean? How do I measure up? What do I still want to do? Just generally taking stock.
I have realized that there are a lot of things about my life that I am very happy about. I have really great friends all over the world! I have a career that I love and that I am truly passionate about. I am an independent thinker who may be financially solvent for the first time ever! I have travelled to many places in the US and abroad. Basically, when I look back over my life I have to say that I have largely done what I have wanted when I have wanted.
Now this does not mean I have been able to do everything I want – often I have been faced with choices and taking one path means abandoning the other. But it does mean that largely I have made this life my own – sometimes inside and sometimes outside the boundaries of societal expectations. And while this has also meant that I have made many mistakes in my life, I think that I am not one of those “old soul” people who are inherently wise and make well-considered choices. I am impulsive and have often had to learn things the hard way! This also means I am tenacious, and rarely hear the word “NO” as a definitive roadblock. I embrace challenges and look for solutions. I speak my mind and am not afraid to argue a point. I stick up for people who may be “weak” when I see they are in unfair situations. I am generally adventurous and adaptable.
All things I am happy with.
Now…as I take stock of my 36 years, there are also things that I am not so happy with. I find it hard to say “no” to people, or to hurt people’s feelings so I often practice avoidance. I am easily influenced to indulge my proclivities (drinking, smoking, eating crap, skipping exercise). I am overly critical of myself and sometimes of others. I often think emotionally rather than rationally. I let other people’s opinions sway my decisions too much. I am not always as sensitive to others as I should be, and am a bit self-centered.
And as I look at my turning 36 I realize that there are some things I still want out of life and some things I want to work to change in the coming year…
1st – I think it would be great to be able to buy a house or a condo! (I think this will happen either in a year or so if I decide to stay at my current job or will happen whenever/wherever I take my next job)
2nd – I would really like to get a dog – and I think I want a foxy little Pomeranian! (will happen when I get a house)
3rd – I vow to get back in shape! This is not such a far fetched task. It was only 3 years ago that I was actually quite fit and healthy. So really I just need to get back in control of my exercise and eating habits. (already starting now! Began vegan detox diet and daily exercise. This is Phase 1. Really trying to stick with it. I hate feeling unhealthy and flabby! But they say “muscle never forgets” so I am hoping that some healthy eating and exercise now and then some concentrated gym time when I get back to USA should get me where I need to be by next summer!)
4th – I want to live somewhere that I really WANT to live! I have put this off over and over again. If I stay at my current job, I think I need to move to Phillie – I need human contact and community! Otherwise, if I seek a different job, I WILL live somewhere I really want to live – either somewhere warm, somewhere in Europe OR at least somewhere with a sense of community.
5th – When I get back to the US, I want to make all the numerous doctor appointments I have been putting off – allergist, dermatologist, and therapist! Especially therapist. I think a few months of therapy could be a good thing for any adult.
SO I guess this is all rambling, but I feel like if I write it down I am somewhat committed to it. Self improvement! Being a better ME.
Thanks for reading.
Until next time…
Xina
My summer holiday at the Jersey Shore...
After the trip to Eastern Serbia I had two days to pack and clean my house. I was scheduled to leave for a month holiday in the USA right away. The last 6 weeks here in Serbia had been an intense whirlwind, but I loved every minute of it and had gotten so involved in my work here that I almost didn’t want to go home! Still, the thought of being at the beach for a month did sound enticing!
When in the US I live on an island near Atlantic City, so in the summer it is something of a genuine pleasure! I ride my bike around the island, jog on the beach and swim in the ocean. Now you may have heard a lot of things about the Jersey Shore, and some may be exaggerations, some may be truth. Not being from the region originally myself I feel like I get an outsiders view of things here!
So, I have no idea what the North Jersey Shore towns are like. Basically the island I live on is sort of like the first point on the South Jersey Shore. Each of the shore towns has its own personality. The place where I live is more like a nature beach and is family oriented. No boardwalk. Only a couple bars (though 2 of them are open 24 hrs!) Just a few restaurants. A golf course. A huge marshland that is a protected bird sanctuary. And while there are a lot of families and summer folks, during the year the island is mostly populated by fisherman, casino workers and families that have lived on the island for generations. In winter the place is a ghost town – which has its benefits and drawbacks!
Then you have Atlantic City, which is lots of fun when you have guests but is not really like a cultural center or anything. The beach there is kind of trashy. You see a lot of sad people – drug addicts, gambling addicts, and the like. But, all that said, AC is not as trashy as people think. The boardwalk is pretty cool. Rides, games, shops, bars, restaurants and “massage parlors.” You also have a beautiful elitist mega-mall, and really a lot of shows and attractions in general. Like I said – it is a great place when you have guests. Very entertaining! But not such a fun city on your own. It’s not as if they have a 1st Friday gallery hop or anything!
After AC you have Margate & Ventor. From what I can tell, these are the spots where very wealthy people live. Amazing houses. Clean beaches. Some good restaurants. But it also seems that Ventnor has a somewhat significant year-round population. Margate is famous for this huge plaster elephant that is like 100 years old or something called “Lucy the Elephant.”
Now after this I get a little confused about the order, and I may leave a few out here, but I think next you have Somer’s Point. I have not spent a lot of time here, but I get the impression that it is a place that is fun for people in their 30s and 40s – like Yuppies perhaps? I could be wrong.
Then Ocean City. This is the kid-oriented beach town. Huge boardwalk with put-put, games, junk food, rides, etc. This is a dry town and there are no bars. Instead, there is a lot of activities throughout the community planned for kids each day and it seems to be quite safe.
Then you have Avalon and Stone Harbor which seem to be for those people who are too old for the wild “spring break” kind of party, but still like to have fun – maybe late 20s and 30s maybe even into 40s.
Next is Wildwood. Now this place is the PARTY Spring Break style type of place. It caters to the barely legal. The boardwalk here, aside from games, rides and junkfood, seems to be a cruising place for picking up people of the opposite sex. From what I can tell, this place would have been awesome to be when I was between 18 – 25, but now I think it is kind of gross. It’s OK during the day, and in North Wildwood there are some good places to eat and drink.
Finally, there is the crowning jewel of the south Jersey Shore – Cape May! This is known for its beautiful old Victorian homes, its sophisticated beauty and its old money residents. It is also known to be a favorite spot of sophisticated gay couples and has further become THE place for straight couples from throughout the region to hold their weddings.
OK…so there is your shore orientation. From the perspective of an outsider.
Now, when I moved there it was to be close to my NJ job, and I am close. In the summer it is a great place to live, but in the winter there is, if you will pardon my language, exactly fuck-all to do there! BUT – since I pay rent for the place and had a month off of work here in Serbia, I was anxious to get some summer use out of the place.
So, what was my trip like?
Week 1 was spent largely at the beach. I had lent my car to PC, so I was biking and walking everywhere and was generally re-orienting myself. One really fun thing for this vacation was that PC had recently inherited a 1980s red convertible corvette – complete with HUGE orange and white flames all over the hood! This was a fun car to have at the shore. PC came down basically every time he had days off and we would pick a shore destination and drive. The car is fun. Little kids look and point and think it is “bad ass” while I am pretty sure that adults look at us in that car and think “What an asshole!” But whatever! I’ve always wanted a convertible and what better place to have one than at the beach for the summer!
Other than lots of fun days driving, eating and drinking with PC, I had several other visitors including my good friend “A.” We had a wonderful time! Riding bikes, walking on the beach, sitting in the sun on my back deck and playing games. It was a really special time in fact b/c “A” and I are celebrating our 10 yr. friendship anniversary! And while we regularly see each other while both in the country, it had been a while since we had some one-on-one time – so AWESOME!
My cousin “AB” also came for a visit. She had come last year as well and we had such a great time that we decided to try to make it an annual thing. She and I were best of friends when we were growing up, but since we are adults – she with a family and me with a travel intensive job – we do not get as much time together as we would like these days so it is super fun to hang out! We spent some time in AC, did some light gambling (in fact, she won like $300 on penny slots from a mere $10!). We went to see a rip-off of Cirque de Soleil (which was still pretty cool), and one afternoon we rented a boat with PC and went crabbing in the bay.
Now a boat on the bay and a day crabbing sounds awesome in theory, but in practice…well for me it was a somewhat difficult day. Oh, don’t get me wrong…I loved the boat and the crabbing. The problem was the greenhead flies! These huge nasty biting flies breed most aggressively in the salty marshland of my island. They feed on the blood of humans and warm blooded animals. Their bites are painful, like a cigarette burn, because they have a crude slicing implement similar to tiny scissors. I am allergic to their bites and one will swell to the size of a quarter, itch like mad, and last for 2 weeks. Well, for some reason, on that boat on that day, these stupid flies made a meal out of me! By the time we got home I had easily 40+ bites and was intensely uncomfortable for the next few days! YUCK!
But overall I had a really fantastic time with my cousin’s visit and I am excited for her visit next year! As I drove her to the airport on that last day, we stopped in Phillie for lunch as I had been craving tex-mex and guacamole for like 6 months! This was the perfect ending to a wonderful time together.
Also while home in NJ I went to visit my family in Cleveland for a long weekend. The time was action packed! We went to a comedy show, had a BBQ party, did some shopping and visiting and then it was pretty much time for me to go home. It was great to see everyone and we had a lot of fun. I do regret I could not spend more time there and especially that I was too busy with family to actually see any friends. Maybe over xmas!
After getting back from the CLE I went and spent 4 days in Phillie – hanging out with “A” and “Em” and helping “Em” move – again! This time a permanent move to North Carolina. Sad for me, but great for her!
The last few days of my visit I spent at the beach and with PC.
In all it just flew by! And now I am back in Belgrade and I am glad to be back. I am trying to make the most of it b/c I know it will be over before I know it!
Well anyhow…thanks for reading…
Until next time…
Xina
When in the US I live on an island near Atlantic City, so in the summer it is something of a genuine pleasure! I ride my bike around the island, jog on the beach and swim in the ocean. Now you may have heard a lot of things about the Jersey Shore, and some may be exaggerations, some may be truth. Not being from the region originally myself I feel like I get an outsiders view of things here!
So, I have no idea what the North Jersey Shore towns are like. Basically the island I live on is sort of like the first point on the South Jersey Shore. Each of the shore towns has its own personality. The place where I live is more like a nature beach and is family oriented. No boardwalk. Only a couple bars (though 2 of them are open 24 hrs!) Just a few restaurants. A golf course. A huge marshland that is a protected bird sanctuary. And while there are a lot of families and summer folks, during the year the island is mostly populated by fisherman, casino workers and families that have lived on the island for generations. In winter the place is a ghost town – which has its benefits and drawbacks!
Then you have Atlantic City, which is lots of fun when you have guests but is not really like a cultural center or anything. The beach there is kind of trashy. You see a lot of sad people – drug addicts, gambling addicts, and the like. But, all that said, AC is not as trashy as people think. The boardwalk is pretty cool. Rides, games, shops, bars, restaurants and “massage parlors.” You also have a beautiful elitist mega-mall, and really a lot of shows and attractions in general. Like I said – it is a great place when you have guests. Very entertaining! But not such a fun city on your own. It’s not as if they have a 1st Friday gallery hop or anything!
After AC you have Margate & Ventor. From what I can tell, these are the spots where very wealthy people live. Amazing houses. Clean beaches. Some good restaurants. But it also seems that Ventnor has a somewhat significant year-round population. Margate is famous for this huge plaster elephant that is like 100 years old or something called “Lucy the Elephant.”
Now after this I get a little confused about the order, and I may leave a few out here, but I think next you have Somer’s Point. I have not spent a lot of time here, but I get the impression that it is a place that is fun for people in their 30s and 40s – like Yuppies perhaps? I could be wrong.
Then Ocean City. This is the kid-oriented beach town. Huge boardwalk with put-put, games, junk food, rides, etc. This is a dry town and there are no bars. Instead, there is a lot of activities throughout the community planned for kids each day and it seems to be quite safe.
Then you have Avalon and Stone Harbor which seem to be for those people who are too old for the wild “spring break” kind of party, but still like to have fun – maybe late 20s and 30s maybe even into 40s.
Next is Wildwood. Now this place is the PARTY Spring Break style type of place. It caters to the barely legal. The boardwalk here, aside from games, rides and junkfood, seems to be a cruising place for picking up people of the opposite sex. From what I can tell, this place would have been awesome to be when I was between 18 – 25, but now I think it is kind of gross. It’s OK during the day, and in North Wildwood there are some good places to eat and drink.
Finally, there is the crowning jewel of the south Jersey Shore – Cape May! This is known for its beautiful old Victorian homes, its sophisticated beauty and its old money residents. It is also known to be a favorite spot of sophisticated gay couples and has further become THE place for straight couples from throughout the region to hold their weddings.
OK…so there is your shore orientation. From the perspective of an outsider.
Now, when I moved there it was to be close to my NJ job, and I am close. In the summer it is a great place to live, but in the winter there is, if you will pardon my language, exactly fuck-all to do there! BUT – since I pay rent for the place and had a month off of work here in Serbia, I was anxious to get some summer use out of the place.
So, what was my trip like?
Week 1 was spent largely at the beach. I had lent my car to PC, so I was biking and walking everywhere and was generally re-orienting myself. One really fun thing for this vacation was that PC had recently inherited a 1980s red convertible corvette – complete with HUGE orange and white flames all over the hood! This was a fun car to have at the shore. PC came down basically every time he had days off and we would pick a shore destination and drive. The car is fun. Little kids look and point and think it is “bad ass” while I am pretty sure that adults look at us in that car and think “What an asshole!” But whatever! I’ve always wanted a convertible and what better place to have one than at the beach for the summer!
Other than lots of fun days driving, eating and drinking with PC, I had several other visitors including my good friend “A.” We had a wonderful time! Riding bikes, walking on the beach, sitting in the sun on my back deck and playing games. It was a really special time in fact b/c “A” and I are celebrating our 10 yr. friendship anniversary! And while we regularly see each other while both in the country, it had been a while since we had some one-on-one time – so AWESOME!
My cousin “AB” also came for a visit. She had come last year as well and we had such a great time that we decided to try to make it an annual thing. She and I were best of friends when we were growing up, but since we are adults – she with a family and me with a travel intensive job – we do not get as much time together as we would like these days so it is super fun to hang out! We spent some time in AC, did some light gambling (in fact, she won like $300 on penny slots from a mere $10!). We went to see a rip-off of Cirque de Soleil (which was still pretty cool), and one afternoon we rented a boat with PC and went crabbing in the bay.
Now a boat on the bay and a day crabbing sounds awesome in theory, but in practice…well for me it was a somewhat difficult day. Oh, don’t get me wrong…I loved the boat and the crabbing. The problem was the greenhead flies! These huge nasty biting flies breed most aggressively in the salty marshland of my island. They feed on the blood of humans and warm blooded animals. Their bites are painful, like a cigarette burn, because they have a crude slicing implement similar to tiny scissors. I am allergic to their bites and one will swell to the size of a quarter, itch like mad, and last for 2 weeks. Well, for some reason, on that boat on that day, these stupid flies made a meal out of me! By the time we got home I had easily 40+ bites and was intensely uncomfortable for the next few days! YUCK!
But overall I had a really fantastic time with my cousin’s visit and I am excited for her visit next year! As I drove her to the airport on that last day, we stopped in Phillie for lunch as I had been craving tex-mex and guacamole for like 6 months! This was the perfect ending to a wonderful time together.
Also while home in NJ I went to visit my family in Cleveland for a long weekend. The time was action packed! We went to a comedy show, had a BBQ party, did some shopping and visiting and then it was pretty much time for me to go home. It was great to see everyone and we had a lot of fun. I do regret I could not spend more time there and especially that I was too busy with family to actually see any friends. Maybe over xmas!
After getting back from the CLE I went and spent 4 days in Phillie – hanging out with “A” and “Em” and helping “Em” move – again! This time a permanent move to North Carolina. Sad for me, but great for her!
The last few days of my visit I spent at the beach and with PC.
In all it just flew by! And now I am back in Belgrade and I am glad to be back. I am trying to make the most of it b/c I know it will be over before I know it!
Well anyhow…thanks for reading…
Until next time…
Xina
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