taking stock as my next birthday approaches...

So living a somewhat multi-national life has made me feel like I am in the show “Quantum Leap.” I jump from one existence to the next at a moment’s notice and feel disoriented and imbalanced for the first little bit! But all of this has given me some time to think about some things…

So I am turning 36 next week. YUCK! It is hard to even write it down! What does it mean? How do I measure up? What do I still want to do? Just generally taking stock.

I have realized that there are a lot of things about my life that I am very happy about. I have really great friends all over the world! I have a career that I love and that I am truly passionate about. I am an independent thinker who may be financially solvent for the first time ever! I have travelled to many places in the US and abroad. Basically, when I look back over my life I have to say that I have largely done what I have wanted when I have wanted.

Now this does not mean I have been able to do everything I want – often I have been faced with choices and taking one path means abandoning the other. But it does mean that largely I have made this life my own – sometimes inside and sometimes outside the boundaries of societal expectations. And while this has also meant that I have made many mistakes in my life, I think that I am not one of those “old soul” people who are inherently wise and make well-considered choices. I am impulsive and have often had to learn things the hard way! This also means I am tenacious, and rarely hear the word “NO” as a definitive roadblock. I embrace challenges and look for solutions. I speak my mind and am not afraid to argue a point. I stick up for people who may be “weak” when I see they are in unfair situations. I am generally adventurous and adaptable.

All things I am happy with.

Now…as I take stock of my 36 years, there are also things that I am not so happy with. I find it hard to say “no” to people, or to hurt people’s feelings so I often practice avoidance. I am easily influenced to indulge my proclivities (drinking, smoking, eating crap, skipping exercise). I am overly critical of myself and sometimes of others. I often think emotionally rather than rationally. I let other people’s opinions sway my decisions too much. I am not always as sensitive to others as I should be, and am a bit self-centered.

And as I look at my turning 36 I realize that there are some things I still want out of life and some things I want to work to change in the coming year…

1st – I think it would be great to be able to buy a house or a condo! (I think this will happen either in a year or so if I decide to stay at my current job or will happen whenever/wherever I take my next job)

2nd – I would really like to get a dog – and I think I want a foxy little Pomeranian! (will happen when I get a house)

3rd – I vow to get back in shape! This is not such a far fetched task. It was only 3 years ago that I was actually quite fit and healthy. So really I just need to get back in control of my exercise and eating habits. (already starting now! Began vegan detox diet and daily exercise. This is Phase 1. Really trying to stick with it. I hate feeling unhealthy and flabby! But they say “muscle never forgets” so I am hoping that some healthy eating and exercise now and then some concentrated gym time when I get back to USA should get me where I need to be by next summer!)

4th – I want to live somewhere that I really WANT to live! I have put this off over and over again. If I stay at my current job, I think I need to move to Phillie – I need human contact and community! Otherwise, if I seek a different job, I WILL live somewhere I really want to live – either somewhere warm, somewhere in Europe OR at least somewhere with a sense of community.

5th – When I get back to the US, I want to make all the numerous doctor appointments I have been putting off – allergist, dermatologist, and therapist! Especially therapist. I think a few months of therapy could be a good thing for any adult.

SO I guess this is all rambling, but I feel like if I write it down I am somewhat committed to it. Self improvement! Being a better ME.

Thanks for reading.

Until next time…

Xina